Charles Stross' Diary (RSS Feed)
12-12-2007, 05:31 PM
I spent Thursday through Sunday last week in London, hence the silence in these parts. There's not much to report except that, yes, Tor will be publishing "The Hidden Family" and "The Clan Corporate" in the UK in paperback in August and December, and Orbit will be publishing "Halting State" in trade paperback in January and "Saturn's Children" in hardcover in August. And London is its usual cramped, busy, and increasingly paranoid self: cameras and cops everywhere, and hordes of people thronging the centre at a density that's closer to Tokyo than New York.
Halfway along a journey on the Northern Line I was idly reading the "snitch a terrorist" posters and counting CCTV cameras when a blinding realization struck me between the eyes, hard enough to leave a dent: I have the solution to Transport for London's security problem, and in a spirit of patriotic upstandingness I hereby donate it to the nation.
The solution to protecting the London Underground from terrorist suicide bombers can be summed up in one word: Daleks (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dalek). One Dalek per tube platform, behind a door at the end. Fit them with cameras and remote controls and run them from Ken Livingstone's office. Any sign of terrorism on the platform? Whoosh! The doors open and the Dalek comes out, shrieking "exterminate!" in a demented rasp reminiscent of Michael Howard during his tenure as Home Secretary, only less merciful.
The British are trained from birth to know the two tactics for surviving a Dalek attack; run up the stairs (or escalator), or hide behind the sofa. There are no sofas in the underground, but there are plenty of escalators. Switch them to run upwards when the Dalek is out, and you can clear a platform in seconds.
Suicide bombers are by definition Un-British, and will therefore be unable to pass a citizenship test, much less deal with the Menace from Skaro. And as for motivating the Daleks, one need only mention that the current crop of would-be British suicide bombers are doctors ...
(Original Post) (http://www.antipope.org/charlie/blog-static/2007/12/security_pantomime.html)
Halfway along a journey on the Northern Line I was idly reading the "snitch a terrorist" posters and counting CCTV cameras when a blinding realization struck me between the eyes, hard enough to leave a dent: I have the solution to Transport for London's security problem, and in a spirit of patriotic upstandingness I hereby donate it to the nation.
The solution to protecting the London Underground from terrorist suicide bombers can be summed up in one word: Daleks (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dalek). One Dalek per tube platform, behind a door at the end. Fit them with cameras and remote controls and run them from Ken Livingstone's office. Any sign of terrorism on the platform? Whoosh! The doors open and the Dalek comes out, shrieking "exterminate!" in a demented rasp reminiscent of Michael Howard during his tenure as Home Secretary, only less merciful.
The British are trained from birth to know the two tactics for surviving a Dalek attack; run up the stairs (or escalator), or hide behind the sofa. There are no sofas in the underground, but there are plenty of escalators. Switch them to run upwards when the Dalek is out, and you can clear a platform in seconds.
Suicide bombers are by definition Un-British, and will therefore be unable to pass a citizenship test, much less deal with the Menace from Skaro. And as for motivating the Daleks, one need only mention that the current crop of would-be British suicide bombers are doctors ...
(Original Post) (http://www.antipope.org/charlie/blog-static/2007/12/security_pantomime.html)